Alexander Graham Bell, I Hate You (confessions of a phone hater)

The Antisocial Myth
I hate telephones! I apologize to anyone I have ever offended by not dropping whatever I am doing and picking up the phone to talk to you. I am not antisocial, I enjoy conversation when accompanied with eye contact, body language, and whatever that vibe is that you share with someone in a face to face conversation. Part of my hatred for phones is that they do not align with my style of communication.

I am a thought processor. That means that my ideas churn in my brain awhile before I am able to assemble a string of words into a coherent sentence. In person, this is generally tolerated, although I admit that during rapid fire brainstorming type conversations, people often wonder why my apparently deep thinking brain came up with nothing. On the phone, this is called an "awkward pause", inevitably followed by, "Hey, you still there?" or "I think we got cut off".

People who are unlike me, the ones who can almost mindlessly engage in conversational banter with complete strangers, are almost always unaccepting of the fact that not all brains are wired like theirs. Sometimes they even personalize my differences and label me as rude, aloof, arrogant, or uninterested. The last one is particularly insulting, because I am very interested in many things and willing to discuss them for hours on end.

While these aspects of my personal wiring also come into play in face to face conversations, I have learned ways to conceal them to the point where there is no anxiety involved for me or the other parties. With cues like eye contact and body language, I am much more able to decipher meaning and to interact comfortably. Phones create anxiety for me. Sorry. That's the way it is, like it or not. Don't take it personally. Google phone anxiety and you will see there are others like me and not like you.

The INTJ INTP Connection
These are MBTI personality descriptors developed through the research of Carl Jung, Katharine C. Briggs, and Isabel Briggs Myers. If you have never studied them, it is well worth your while in developing an understanding of how others are like and unlike you, as well as the important capacity for accepting these differences. I generally have tested in the INTJ realm, although I have recently tested as INTP. So how does this relate to telephones? Here is a list:

• INTP/Js are usually not in-tune with how people are feeling, and are not naturally well-equiped to meet the emotional needs of others. For that reason, they need the benefit of social cues to engage in conversations, and even then it can be tricky.
• Sometimes, an INTP's well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others. By nature, telephones are concise and direct, making long explanations and complex ideas difficult to explore.
• INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in the other people's thoughts or feelings. This seems callous but is a fact of life for 2-3% of the population. This results in stressful disdain for small talk which is the pinnacle of purpose for the telephone. For me, the ability to engage in small talk varies. I know that it is a courtesy and I attempt to comply with social norms, but it is certainly a struggle most of the time. INTJ/Ps have not chosen this brain wiring any more than skinny people have chosen to be skinny or tall people have chosen to be tall. It is their hard wiring and should be accepted as is, even if it doesn't meet your needs. Friendships with INTx types can be very rewarding and stimulating if you can accept their differences with an open heart and an open mind. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, INTJs may become abrupt and short with people, resulting in some isolation and even loneliness. The telephone (and a crowded pub for that matter) are generally very poor for communicating with INTx types.
• Telephones are an intrusion into the INTx world where multitasking can be a challenge. When INTJ/Ps are involved in something intellectually, which is almost always the case, interruption is something that is something they have difficulty recovering from. Particularly INTPs will have to retrace their complex mind steps from the beginning to get back to where they were before the interruption. What is a telephone if not a form of interruption? Others need to have empathy for the fact that a 5 minute phone call can easily cost an INTJ/P an hour of time if they were involved in something deep or meaningful. Using email or text messaging is much more courteous.

Here is a more complete portrait of the INTP and the INTJ.

Okay, Phones are Rude
Despite risking harsh judgment from socialites, phones are just rude tools. I know they have a utilitarian purpose and were an amazing invention, but their time has passed. A postcard allowed the recipient to take in the message in his/her own time, to process, and to reply insightfully. The modern day version, the email, does the same. Although, we have designed some rudeness into those with the red exclamation points that state that "my email is more important than all the others". This is only acceptable in a work scenario or an emergency. Text messages are similar, except there is hurt and disappointment if one does not respond quickly enough to those. But this is only marginally rude.

Synchronous chat, such as the Facebook chat feature has evolved to a level of rudeness similar to a phone in that the user initiates a chat and expects the other person to respond instantly. The Facebook equivalent of having the phone off the hook has become checking the website with chat turned off or via phone so that others don't know you are online. Much like the phone, it is anxiety provoking to state that "now is not a good time for me to chat", because many people will personalize a comment like this.

Enter the telephone. When did it ever become okay to ring your way into someone's home with the expectation that they are to stop whatever they are doing: showering, eating, sleeping, cooking, reading, watching TV, playing with the children, whatever, in order to talk to you because you aren't doing anything at the moment? It might be fine if not for the comments such as, "You never answer your phone", which imply that the caller has taken offense to your schedule and inability or unwillingness to drop your activity to answer the phone.

Some people may be thinking, "You know, you can always say that this is a bad time, I will call you later."
Most of them are lying or fooling themselves while making a mental note that they have been offended, even if in a subtle way. Later on you will likely here a snarky comment like, "Well, you are always busy when I call" or " you never call me back anyway."

It actually becomes an anxious moment when the phone rings and I do not want to talk. And yes, people have a right to not want to talk at any time. It is not antisocial or isolationist or anything else. It is a preference of the moment that is not intended to offend or damage relationships.

Phones are unnatural and intrusive. People have a right to answer them or not without risking being labeled or judged and without having to be concerned whether they are damaging a relationship. Answering the phone is not a common courtesy or a display good manners. It is not the same as waving or saying hello to a neighbor across the lawn.

A true courtesy would be begin every phone call by asking the recipient if now is a good time to chat for a few minutes, and to show no signs (inward or outward) when someone is unable or unwilling to stop and chat on the telephone. Thanks for taking these moments to try and understand how the minds of other people work.

Next, let's talk cell phones!
Call me!
Larry