Label Makers
I know Asperger's is associated with autism, which has a huge one dimensional stigma associated with it, even in the well informed education realm. I certainly have resisted any action to associate myself with that perception. The perception that I might have some neurological abnormality is more ammo than I want anyone to have in passing judgment on me! That was subtle humor, a talent that is not normally in an Aspie's realm. I am writing in order to point out that my supposed Aspie traits are just "people traits", and that my non-Aspie traits are abundant, my motivation being to rejct my inner Aspie-ness that health professionals are so willing to apply to me based on 30 minutes of questions.
So I went over the checklist of Aspie symptoms again, as I do every now and then when someones suggests that I belong in that box, and I apply them to myself. I always wonder if these aren't just normal things that everybody feels from time to time, and whether that together they really need to be labeled as another syndrome, or whether they are even the result of some brain wiring difference at all.
- Marked difficulty in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors Larry=sometimes
- Eye contact Larry=not any more...or not very often anyway
- Facial expression Larry= I don't think so, I don't carry a mirror when I talk to others
- Body postures and gestures to regulate social interaction Larry= okay, I'll take that one
- Failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level Larry=sometimes
- Lack of social or emotional reciprocity Larry=okay, so I am told, but I am *much* better in that regard than I used to be.
- Individuals with Asperger’s also have difficulty with theory of mind issues, meaning they have trouble understanding that others have thoughts and feelings different from their own. Larry=sometimes, but only when their feelings are wrong (sarcasm, something that Aspies supposedly don't do...my sarcasm skills are highly refined!
- Ability to understand the intentions of others Larry= okay, big yes
- Ability to understand how their behavior affects others Larry= another big yes, but isn't that just part of being an asshole? (humor...Aspie contraindication)
- Ability to participate in reciprocal skills, (for example, taking turns in conversation) Larry= yeah, this one really messes with me
- Not surprisingly, the combination of a desire to be socially accepted and the inability to interpret complex and subtle social rules leads to stress and anxiety for adults with Asperger’s. Larry= okay, dammit
Thank God color coding of text wasn't a characteristic, I'd be screwed.
Look Into Their Eyes
As a child, I remember my parents and teachers forever prompting me to look at people when I spoke to them. I remember being conscious of this apparent social convention every time I spoke, and the cold sweat anxiety that accompanied my attempts to comply. This anxiety multiplied as a teenager, when self awareness ruled. People might assume that I would not have this painful self awareness if I was truly on an autism spectrum. That is a question I have as well. And at what point does my more common label of the day, "painfully shy", merge with something more clinical? AS wasn't even a "thing" until the nineties (I think). My biggest question is, who cares? Either label, shyness or some yet to be named syndrome, is equally damning. Do you know the stigma attached with being shy and male in adolescence!!! Society might as well remove your testicles when they label you as shy.
A Study of Behavior
Early in adulthood I completely understood that certain things seemed to come naturally for others. I noticed that it seemed like everyone just automatically knew when to was their turn to talk, that they weren't always trying to figure out when to start a sentence like I was, or trying to figure out where the hands go while talking...or standing, for that matter. Simply existing in the presence of another was a battle of how do I adhere to all of the conventions so I can at least pass for normal. While I was learning to "look into their eyes", (mostly by appearing as though I was looking into their eyes), I was always confused about the cadence and rules of conversation. It was often clear by the reactions of others that I interjected at the wrong times, or paused for too long when it was my turn to talk. More importantly, I began to notice that I sometimes pissed people off with the content of my dialogue, that my words sometimes hurt people, that my actions or failures to act we're able to hurt people. Unlike my perceptions of somebody who supposedly has mild Asperger's Syndrome, these interactions and social failures really confused and bothered me. I am not sure that a real Asperger's person would feel these failures. At any rate, I have learned to be more cautious.
There has been damage control in my world, sometimes going back to undo having offended someone for something not intended to offend. Sometimes it works, most often not, and one by one people drop from my life. It is hard to maintain more than a handful of friendships, even now. My ability to gauge the responses and feelings of others has improved much over the years. I have empathy, mostly in my work, for people less fortunate. This again seems uncharacteristic of Asperger's, as I understand it. I have, however, little patience for people who are apparently bright, and yet do and say stupid things and who misinterpret facts. I know to be patient through effort now, that tolerance is valuable and rewarding.
"Without the neurology that supported an intuitive understanding of social behavior, many adults with AS learned to spend their time observing their environment and the people around them. They tried to make sense of the confounding behavior of their peers and tried to understand why people were always telling them, “You’re so smart, why can’t you just…(fill in the blank): go to a family function and behave (sensory, social and anxiety), complete this work assignment (executive function, processing speed), just do what’s asked of you (illogical, theory of mind), tell a therapist how you’re feeling (reliance on thinking more than feeling). Through observation and trial and error (after error), many managed to survive into adulthood." (2011 Asperger's Association of New England)
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| Arthur A. Allen and Peter Kellogg |
For the Birds
When you are being tagged with AS, the doctor asks about history. This story seemed particularly intriguing to my doc. When I was five years old, my parents had a red set of encyclopedias. Book Four was about birds. I read it from cover to cover many times as a child. I can still smell the musty glossy pages which were slightly wrinkled from humidity and age. I remember the names Arthur A. Allen, and Dr. Peter Kellogg, whose names appeared under the black and white photos of various birds. I remember deciding I should some day attend Cornell University to study birds, because the college was mentioned dozens of times in the text of the red encyclopedia number 4. I remember the color plates, a section of paintings in the middle of the book, which was how books were often put together back then. I read the names of birds and made up pronunciations that I kept for many years until my phonics skills improved. The red eyed vireo was a vi-ree-o ( long i) in my mind for years, until I heard someone else say "veer-ee-o". The same was true for the scarlet tanager, which was a tan-jer in my head for years, apparently never noticing the vowel in the middle of the word.
I asked for a Peterson Field Guide to the Birds when I was six or seven and pretty much memorized the book, the field markings, the mapped ranges, and the roadside silhouettes within several months. By the time I was ten, I had binoculars and a spotting scope and had identified dozens of birds at my bird feeders. I trapped starlings and sparrows, and took a robin baby from the nest not long after that. (I was told that trapping things was a characteristic of AS, I guess many of our forefathers must have had it, right?)
Music
I grew up around music and harmony, and music has always fascinated me. I wondered why some things sounded good and some ugly when they were all just sounds...so much moving air. I played around with my dad's guitar from about age ten or eleven and tried to figure out patterns of good combinations of paired notes. Luckily, and I suppose with good practical reason, I noticed that any two notes directly above or below each other on the neck seemed to sound good. I was able to recognize when the guitar was out of tune by when those notes didn't sound so good. I even got yelled at for turning those little keys attempting to bring the notes into harmony.
When I got an electric guitar, I noticed that two notes close together in pitch would waiver or pulse in my head, but that I could slow the pulsing down and get it to stop completely when the pitches were perfect. As it turned out, guitarists use this wavering thing to tune their guitars...who knew? I could also hear that wavering with pitches that we call harmonies, that when they sound good, the pulsing lines up and the notes come alive, and when they are discordant, they waver a cancel each other out, sort of.
The first time I played with other players, I played bass. The power of live electric music took over every available neuron in my head. I learned how the bass guitar subliminally controls the way people receive music. Take three guitar chords, play an alternating note pattern on bass and all the two steppers dance, same three chords, with deep powerful bass couplets, and the rockers dance. Play the same bass note droning over all three chords and all the pot heads sway, add a walking pattern and everyone becomes aware of the transition points in a twelve bar blues pattern. It was so amazing to me that an instrument that nobody listened to had the power to control their feel of the music.
When music became a real crutch for me, which is why I brought up music, was when I realized its ability to cut through social bullshit and to allow almost universal acceptance without having to worry about the rules. I became a band rat, not so much because I loved the crappy cover music that we played, but because it elevated me to social status levels that I hadn't earned through charisma and interaction skills. That is a painful admission to any real musician. Although I entertain the idea of getting a coffee house act together every now and then, the social appeal is no longer the motivation.
Whatever
I am not sure if I have Asperger's Syndrome, or if I have social anxiety, or if I am shy, or what. I don't have rituals, I can be a quite a conversationalist in the right settings, I don't have any tics or peculiar mannerisms, I don't collect anything strange, I can look people in the eye. So what is with the Asperger's push? The labels?
Whatever. None of those labels are as important as the concept that all of us are just people with unique and varied neural pathways and chemistry. Is it necessary to attach a label to every possible configuration of human being? Not to me it isn't. What is important is recognizing that we are all alike in more ways that we are different, and that the commonalities are important to look for. When labels cause people to see one dimension, then they do more harm than good. As one whose has been labeled in many ways, I assure you that none of them define me in whole.
I recently completed an online Aspie diagnostic tool and found it to be another "so what". About half of the shape is left of center (neurotypical or normal, as it were), and about half is right of center (Aspie). Most people who take this would be mostly or all left of center, like in the smaller chart at the bottom. So, this says my physical traits are normal, except for communication, which is slightly aspie-esque. But my intellectual traits, especially with social traits and how I deal with talents are quite aspergerish. Conclusion...none! I am a unique mixed bag just like everyone else.
"Unique", the universally appropriate label!
Most Typical Responses on the Chart for a normal-ish human.
